miss a's behavior plan

Miss A has an ear infection, and is on the mend. She will end up missing this entire week of school. Tomorrow is her field day so I'm sort of sad for her, but mostly happy for me -- she wanted me to volunteer at it but it's way far away and the boys' field day is tomorrow too and they also wanted me to volunteer. What I want, though, is a nice long nap. But what I get is an extra day in the office without having to volunteer at any field days, and that's not so bad.

In April, during a particularly sucktastic tantrum of Miss A's, I made a behavior plan for her. I don't know what inspired me, but it was truly inspired. Since then she's only had a handful of bad days, and they were nothing compared to her bad days before.

Behavioral Goals and Consequences

Goals:
To show RESPECT for people and property, and to show SELF-CONTROL.

·      Do not yell.

·      Do not insult people or call them names.

·      Do not bucket-dip.

·      Do not touch someone if you are angry with him or her.

·      Do not slam doors or throw, punch, or kick things.

·      Do what Mom and Dad tell you the first time, without complaining or throwing a fit.

·      Say “Okay,” or “I will,” or “I’ll be right there” to let us know you’ve heard us.

·      You should not need us to start counting before you start obeying.

·      Do not argue with Mom and Dad. If you have made your points more than once, that is arguing.

Consequences:
If you fail to show RESPECT and SELF-CONTROL on a given day, you will lose the following privileges for the remainder of that day and the next:

·      Playing with friends

·      iPod, DS, video games, computer time, television, and other electronics

·      Staying up past 7 p.m. bedtime

Measures:

When you are not meeting your goals:

1. You will receive a spoken warning so you know what you are doing wrong and have the chance to correct it. You stay on green.
2. If you continue not meeting your goals – this includes arguing about the warning – you will receive a 15-minute time out alone so you can calm down.* You move to yellow.
3. If you still continue not meeting your goals – this includes yelling or slamming doors during your time out – you will not have met your goals for that day and you move to red.

*Touching someone when you are angry (hitting, kicking, pushing, squeezing, etc.)
or spitting on someone is an automatic 15-minute time out and move to yellow.

We will keep track of your progress on the calendar.

Reward:
When you are able to meet your goals at least 5 days each week for a month you will earn back the following privileges:

•  Auditioning for shows
•  Participating in other activities outside of school
• Spending the night with cousins or grandparents
• Having cousins or close friends spend the night
• Attending birthday parties or other events that last past 7 p.m.

You will lose these privileges again if you are not able to continue meeting your goals at least 5 days out of every week. If you lose them, you will have to earn them back by meeting your goals at least 5 days each week for a month.

Believer it or not, this is working! She LOVES having this written out and will call Jason on it if he starts to send her to her room before giving her a warning. I am really obvious about the warning -- I say, "This is your warning for today. If this behavior continues you will have a time out and go to yellow." She usually tries to argue at that point, and I then state that she's made her point and if she continues that will be arguing, and she will need to go to her room and move to yellow. Then, most of the time, she pulls it together.

The time outs are nice, too. I made them long because 15 minutes is about the bare minimum Miss A needs to calm down. Because she can move so quickly to yellow/time out, she usually isn't so upset now when she's in her room. But I set a timer and when it goes off I tell her she can come down whenever she is ready, and I try to act all cheery like everything is fine -- it's a fresh start. A couple times she's come out of her room or stomped around when I've sent her up, and depending on her attitude about it I either restart the time out (for merely leaving her room) or move her to red (for stomping or yelling down the stairs at me).

We have this taped inside the pantry door, where it is out of sight and won't embarrass her, but it's also convenient enough that we can refer to it anytime.

holy crap, miss a is sick again.

Again. For those of you who haven't committed my life's timeline to memory, Miss A got sick in mid-January and missed 2 weeks of school, and turned out to have pneumonia, but also had weird blood test results that led to us being referred to an oncologist and a geneticist. They haven't found anything wrong but also haven't ruled everything out. The next step would be a bone marrow aspiration and because she seems healthy in general, the oncologist decided we should just keep an eye on her and check her blood levels every 4 months to make sure things don't start changing in a way that would indicate leukemia. Next blood test is 4 weeks from yesterday.

ANYWAY! She is sick all the freaking time. I am going to start tracking it on a calendar just so I can add it to my massive file of lab results and scholarly articles and letters from various consulting physicians.

She woke up on Sunday complaining of feeling ill... which she does at least once a week. But she actually looked ill too, and then when I felt her head she was burning up. She ran a high fever on Sunday, had a low grade fever Monday, seemed to be doing better on Tuesday but was sort of quiet, then had a fever this morning when she insisted on taking her temperature. She was quiet all day today, then started complaining of ear pain around dinner time. It coincided with my presentation of tacos for dinner, so I suspected that her ailment had more to do with wanting an alternate meal than with an actual illness.

WRONG! After dinner she laid down with a heating pad. Then she came to me asking for medicine -- she hates taking medicine and usually refuses or vomits it up because she gets herself into such a state over taking it. She had tears on her cheeks and took both pills (even more unusual) and then put herself to bed. I went in 15 minutes later and she was fast asleep at 7:45. She never falls asleep that quickly. And she never goes to bed that early.

So, we have an appointment tomorrow morning... I'm hoping the blood work next month can shed some light on why she can't fight off anything. She gets sick, starts to improve, then runs a low grade fever for a few days, then declines as she develops a secondary infection. She's been following this pattern since her kindergarten year. I was telling Jason it would be worth homeschooling her just because it's embarrassing to call your child off school 20+ times in a school year.

more or less a bulleted list about haney, aka "kate"

Blogworld, hello!

With the observance of Memorial Day, it seems like it's unofficially officially summer, so I'm trying to get back in the habit of writing.

A few weeks ago Haney declared she wants to be called "Kate." At first she wouldn't answer to her real name, or she'd yell at us for forgetting. Now she is more patient with people calling her by the wrong name, but refers to herself as Kate or "KT," which is pronounced "Katie." She was writing a book at school and worried to her friend that she didn't know how to spell "Kate," and they worked out a solution -- "Katie," which is of course spelled "KT."

She is sounding out words, which blows my mind. I don't remember learning to read, and the other kids grasped it over the course of their kindergarten years. They just suddenly could read. With Miss A I didn't think she could, at all, until I asked at the end of the school year and her teacher acted surprised and told me she was a good reader. She just refused to at home. With the boys of course P read well at home, but his teacher insisted he didn't at school... and G didn't at home but his teacher said he was a strong reader. Of course we know how that turned out. But at no point was I privy to them using phonics knowledge to sound out words like "kit" and "ton" and "did" -- they already knew those words by the time they quit refusing to read for me.

Haney Kate is independent. She loves Dora, still. She gets that Dora isn't cool to the other preschoolers, and that her brothers and sisters disdain Dora, but she doesn't mind. She's not defensive about Dora, she just doesn't care if other people don't enjoy Dora and Boots' adventures. She chose Dora shoes last week, proudly wears her Dora backpack, obsesses over finding a Dora swimsuit in her size.

She's very artistic. She will cut up scrap paper into tiny pieces, dime-sized and smaller, and build 2- and 3-dimensional works of art with them. Boats seem to be a favorite theme, and she's made us all tiny 2-dimensional paper boats less than an inch high, with people, sails, masts and boat all cut from different papers. Then she built a series of 3-D pirate ships, 2-3 inches long and 3 inches high.

Haney-Kate also has her brothers wrapped around her finger. They beg her to play with them. They cry to me that it isn't fun if she doesn't play. They allow her to tag along on their adventures with other neighborhood boys. They compliment her on her [insane] clothing choices and praise her school work.

I am ridiculously excited to have the three of them home next year.

Now we are debating on Miss A. She's doing so well, and seems to enjoy it... but she'd also enjoy being home... but if this is working, why change it? ...but it seems like now is the time to gather all four of them together and foster their friendship, while they still enjoy many of the same things...

we interrupt this lengthy silence to report nothing in particular

So I haven't been able to write on here because I feel way too exposed. I don't know what made me feel this way, and maybe I'm just going into a more introverted phase of life. But it's really hard to write about much of anything. I don't know what to do about it. Pull the plug? Wait it out? Push through?

We had to put our little cat Jingles to sleep on Monday -- it happened so quickly and I am just so sad. She was 2 1/2. I was doing okay and then today we got sympathy cards from the animal hospital and our vet, and I am so sad again. The kids are doing okay. By Monday evening she was so sick that it was clear we needed to put her to sleep, and the kids accepted it and grieved and comforted each other. Tuesday and yesterday they shed some tears at various times but they're doing better than I worried they would. Poor little Jingles. I just feel terrible.

Miss A's behavior has been great since our anniversary (worst day in forever) with the exception of Mother's Day. I am going to start looking for patterns -- if she always has a terrible time on someone else's special day, that's going to get me suspicious.

This morning I filled out the paperwork to enroll the boys and Haney (who has decided she'd like to be called Kate) in the online school we're going to use next year, and I called their current school to notify them. It was mostly a non-conversation because they are so used to me pulling kids out that they probably keep the withdrawal form filled out and ready for me to sign at any moment.

Miss A's doing another musical, her 3rd. They are very good for her. The boys are playing baseball. Haney-Kate and Miss A are both going to be taking ballet starting in June. Miss A and I are taking a trip to Chicago for her birthday, and we're very excited.

And that's all I've got, for now.

twins, school, testing, my sanity, etc.

I posted at HDYDI tonight, because I finally have some twin news! You can go read over there but the abridged version is that one of my boys qualified for the gifted program at school (OR for the school Miss A attends) but the other did not. Then there's all this blah blah blah about that, but the bottom line is we decided to home school the boys and Haney for next year. Oh, also Haney decided she wants to be called Kate from now on...?

So anyway Kate and the boys will be home next year. We are undecided about Miss A. She is doing really well and that will be my next post: I created a behavioral plan for her and it has worked like a dream. It has been nothing short of miraculous.

my performance in the role of "decent mother" is panned by critics

Miss A was cast in a local production of "Jungle Book," and the first performance was tonight. This isn't her first production with local theatre [pronounced "THEE-ah-tuh"] so I should sort of know how this goes. And this production has been smoother than last, which I chalked up to experience all around.

Tonight, following the performance, I walked out to the car to grab my $3.99 bouquet of flowers. On the way back in I reflected on how I felt the entire evening like I didn't belong. That is ridiculous because it's a theatre so none of the audience members belong there more than others. Maybe I felt like that because everyone else seemed to be there with someone -- a child or spouse or friend or group. I was solo, so maybe that's why I felt like I stuck out, and like I should apologize to everyone for my intrusion on their evening.

Maybe I was a house elf in another life.


The kids started coming out and I saw that all the other girls had on cute skirts and shirts, or dresses. And I realized that Miss A had come to the theatre wearing only her leotard and tights -- nude, naturally, so she looks startlingly naked when she walks around in them.

All the other mothers thought to pack their daughters some clothes, and I didn't. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I not think of that?

Miss A came strolling out in her fleece robe. The belt was lost long ago. She held it closed with her hand. I gave her the flowers and congratulated her. She asked if "anyone" had come.

No one had come. Friends and family are coming to tomorrow's performances but no one besides me had come tonight. She seemed a little disappointed.

She walked around the crowded lobby, looking through the crowd in the vain hope that we'd run into friends who'd come to see her. It was so painful, trailing behind her and watching people look at her, then at me, then back at her... Watching her stop, scan the crowd, walk a few more paces, scan the crowd... I felt like I was living a dream I had once where I was at work in a cubicle and had forgotten to wear anything besides a shirt, and I was acting nonchalant in the hopes that my coworkers wouldn't notice.

Finally I caught up to her and said that maybe there wasn't anyone we knew, and we didn't have to walk around. I suggested she find some of her cast mate friends, or we could get dressed and go home... She said, "Did you bring me clothes?" right away. And I said no, I'd meant that if she had a pair of shorts or a t-shirt maybe she wanted to put it on before we went home, and she said, "Okay, we can go," in this flat, pinched voice.

In that moment her disappointment/my failure was so palpable that I felt like crawling into a hole and hiding for a week or two.

She talked on the way home and we stopped for ice cream. She isn't angry at me, now. This seems like something she'll be angry at me for in a decade or two, when she is fully aware and able to understand that I should have known to pack her some freaking clothes. 


How did I miss this? How did it not even cross my mind? Why am I so different from all these other mothers, who somehow know what to do and are able to do it without seeming pissed off or frazzled? One of the moms has 5 kids 10 and under, and the oldest 2 are in the play. One of the moms works and has at least 2 kids, and the one who is in the play sees the same oncologist Miss A does, because she's at very high risk for the even worse type of the not-at-all-hopeful kind of cancer we were looking at. How can these people do this and I can't?

Tomorrow we are back to the theatre and I will pack her something to wear... although she broke one of her black dress shoes last weekend and her brown ones have peeled down to white plastic on the heels, and her other shoe choices are flip flops, Crocs, and gym shoes. I don't understand how everyone else kind of telepathically *gets* what is supposed to happen and what is expected... So this is what "common sense" means. Everyone else shares this knowledge. Somehow I don't, and I don't know why.

advice on parenting and kid friends and what-have-you

Two years ago, this happened: Miss A's neighborhood buddy who is 2-3 years older used poor judgement that resulted in Miss A needing stitches. Then the neighborhood buddy (Girl 1) lied about it. I did talk to Girl 1's parents and she stayed away for a while and then apologized sometime over that summer, and she and Miss A have played together nicely ever since. Girl 1 has never lied to me since, or she's gotten very good at it. I've had no beef with her until she brought a new friend over to play...

PUBERTY!

This girl is almost 12 so I suppose she is justified in hitting puberty. Seriously, over the course of a week or so she went from a taller version of Miss A, to... *not* that.

But I am not the only one who has noticed. A very nice neighborhood boy has as well. He and Girl 1 have been sort of interested in each other for as long as I've been aware of them, but of late this attraction has intensified. They and their younger siblings (Miss A's age, including one girl Miss A's age who is also hitting puberty -- OMG NOOOOOOooooooo!) are over here all the time, talking.


I am not ready for Miss A to stop playing and start talking. But that's what's happening when she's with these kids who are clearly moving into another stage. She is trying to follow them and I don't want her to.

Miss A is about a year older than most of her school friends, because I "red-shirted" her. For those of you unfamiliar with this ridiculous controversy, I didn't have her start kindergarten until after she'd turned 6. In some circles that is considered to be terribly unfair of me to have done that. Anyway, I've discovered another amazing advantage to having started her later -- she is not surrounded by girls in the throes of puberty when she's at school. So when she plays with her other 3rd grade friends, they play school and baby dolls and Littlest Pet Shop and Barbies. They don't talk.

Because Miss A's attitude can sometimes be a problem, in addition to the fact that we're not ready for our 9 year old to spend hours talking with and about boys, we decided we need to help her friendship with Girl 1 draw to a close. We told her she can only play with Girl 1 over here, and we are trying to limit the amount of time available for them to play.

Here is where I need some advice. I feel terrible removing a friend from Miss A's life who is a very nice girl, and a good friend, and who has done nothing more offensive than continuing to age in an appropriate way. However, she's in 6th grade, and she's almost 12, and she has a little boyfriend whether they admit to it or not. I don't think it's in Miss A's best interests to foster this friendship.

How would you handle this situation? Outright forbid them to play? Let them continue as before? Some in-between thing that I hope you'll lay out in detail for me? I realize this is a terrible time for me to ask for advice since I haven't posted regularly in forever, but I'm hoping the few of you who still stop by will share some wisdom. Please!