Blah blah husbands blah mothers blah generation gap blah.
Through the fog of trying to work 20+hours/week in, like, five hours, I have given a lot of thought to my previous post. Or a little thought. Whatever.
Anyway, what it boils down to is that Jason will be lauded as a hero whenever he changes a diaper, and I'm bitter. The twins' first Christmas, their reflux was just kicking into high gear. They both wailed the entire day we were at my parents' house, plus we had a 2-year-old. I remember eating my meal standing up with a baby on my shoulder, trying to sneak bites between archings of his back. Eating standing up is really hard when you're eating meat, on fine china and whatnot. If I had a baby, people ignored me. If Jason had a baby, people rushed to relieve him of the baby so he could eat.
WTF???
To Jason's credit, he always looked after me and never sat and snarfed down food while I bounced a baby, unless I had eaten first. But when he was relieved of the one baby, our 2-year-old often needed help or a smackdown.
He is a great dad, but no one says, "Wow! You earn money? You are such an amazing wife and mother!" or "Jason is so blessed -- you're a keeper!" And no one ever says to Jason, "Your wife has to work??!? Poor Jennifer!" Because that would be totally sexist and patronizing, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
So what it boils down to, then, is that it's okay to be sexist and patronizing to men, patting them on their heads for changing a diaper or giving a bath or just showing up. Or just for paying their child support and dutifully housing their kids every other weekend. It's also okay to make men the butt of the humanity's joke about the tough household stains. Silly husbands! Don't you know that Shout gets it out? Ha ha ha... And in every ad, SuperMom sweeps in at the end to save her dumbass husband from a stained shirt or a baked on, caked on, stuck on mess, because she was educated at P&G University and she therefore knows the product of every household equation.
I can't win. I am a jack of all trades, master of none. By which I mean that I can earn some good money, but I plop my kids in front of the tv all the time and the house is a mess, and that is 120% my fault. I don't know why the dining room floor is sticky even after I mop it -- I suspect my Swiffer Wetjet it leaving some residue but I don't have the energy to figure it out. I can't get out tough stains. I throw away the children's clothes once they get stained, because I am hopeless. I suffer from a vague awareness that one's dishwasher and washing machine are not self-cleaning. I don't know how to get the sticky off my cabinet doors. The responsibility for this rests squarely on my shoulders -- no one will ever say, "Jennifer is such a good wife -- she made $X last year!" They are more likely to say, "Poor Jason -- Jennifer is a terrible housekeeper, and he does so much with the kids and does so much around the house too!"
So I will say it! I am a freaking awesome wife! I make money! I take care of kids! I scrubbed the dining room floor with vinegar and water yesterday! I also made a schedule that a) proves I don't have enough hours in the day, by a long shot, and b) states unequivocally that 12:30 is my bedtime, so off I go.
Like a good wife.
Mommy Break
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When it comes to children and pets, I can be extremely patient, and I
confess to being rather proud of this trait. A lot of people tire of my
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I think every mom out there should feel like she can say she is an awesome wife and mom. And being a full-time SAHM AND working 20 hours a week? You are a goddess.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you the most sexist thing I have ever heard about myself although it won't make you feel better. Jon and I used to work together. In fact, I was Jon's superior and made a crapload more money than Jon. Because of how networking works, a lot of Jon's close co-workers are our previous co-workers.
After my maternity leave was over, Jon went on a business trip. The boys were ludicrously sick, they were 3 months old and vomit was spewing from their mouths. Poop shot out of Nate's butt and hit the wall at 3AM. I called Jon and told him to come home. I could not care for two 3 month olds with vomiting and explosive diarrhea by myself (no family in town). Jon canceled his trip bc OBVIOUSLY he would put his family before his job.
Jon's freaking co-workers said taking care of the kids was their wives' jobs, so why did I call him?!?! And these people knew me. Knew that we had an equal relationship.
Anyway whenever he said he was tired bc he was up all night with crying babies, his co-workers (the male ones) acted like he had two heads. They told him insane stories about husbands going to sleep in the guest room to get some rest for the real jobs.
I get really riled up over this.
But then I am also excited bc I'm raising two boys and neither of these boys will leave my house thinking anything is woman's work or man's work.
You also tie a nice MF'ing bow!
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why but this makes me think of finding out I was pregnant with Zoe. She was not on my To Do list especially since I was having an IUD placed when we discovered her in there already. Sam was 10 months old when I conceived and I remember crying and telling Joe the news. I will not lie.I was devastated. I worked full time. We had two other children, one of which hadn't even turned one and we both worked full-time. I told him and he smiled and then he shrugged. He told me "that's no big deal, babe. Maybe we'll have a girl." For some reason, his response enraged me. I wanted him to feel sorry for me because I did. But he didn't. He told me not to worry about it. It would work out. And it did but not without a lot of hard work from guess who?
Amen sister.
ReplyDeleteDamn freaking right. You ARE a terrific mother and wife.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I must say in my family at get togethers, neither of you would be holding a baby. Because my mother would try and hold both and all my aunts and girl relatives would be trying to get them away from her for a turn. Moms in my family never seem to get to hold their babies at get-togethers.
Ah, yup yup yup. I can only look forward to it myself. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail right on the head.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when me and my friends always say, "My husband is a really great guy and helps around the house and with the kids." The operative word there is "help." Why do we call it help, even if he's doing more than half the work? And why is it "help," as if he's the assistant coach and we're the head coaches? Why can't it just be co-coach?
You were right on about the part "it's okay to be patronizing and sexist to men." We praise them for "helping" and it just ain't right!
Luckily, I've got a husband who gets this, and agrees with me. And I hope I raise two kids who do their best to break this cycle too!
Do you watch Everybody Loves Raymond? Your post reminded me a lot of that show. He's such a doofus on there and it's "funny". I do think the show is HILARIOUS but it sends the wrong message, I think.
ReplyDeleteWell said. You are an awesome wife, mom and friend. And a superhero in my book.
ReplyDeleteSeriously- Awesome posts. ARGH, and then some...
ReplyDeleteSo this is seriously off topic (and I hope this doesn't come off as all "crazy blog fan") but I visit your blog daily and love it! Keep on writing sister! You inspire the rest of us to keep on writing... and to try and do a better job while we're at it. My latest post was actually inspired by you. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteoh man.
ReplyDeletei'm just waiting for the day i make more than Chris and hold all the cards. not with him, b/c WE don't care, but b/c I deal with the same thing from our families... "POOR F-ING CHRIS with the wife that can't cook and leaves laundry piled up everywhere..."
One day I will look THAT person (whomever THAT person is) in the eye and tell them that NOT ONLY do I do most of the household chores, almost ALL of the caring for the children AND OWN MY OWN BUSINESS, but I MAKE MORE THAN HIM.
I'm not sure why that's so important to me except that I think a lot of people in our families still think I'm just doing "that photography thing" for fun and neglecting C and the kids to play at my hobby.
SOME DAY they will understand that it is REALLY F-ING HARD to run a successful business out of your home with three small children at home with you! And that will be the day the fact we have the pizza place on speed dial will not matter at all.