where i advocate using steroids for parenting enhancement

Oh, I have my sweet boys back! Here is a little note to women early in their momming careers, who are maybe not so keen on having boys:

You want boys. You do. I so desperately wanted the sugar and spice and pink frosting dresses and sweetness of little girls -- and that is nice, but fleeting. Baby boy clothes are depressing, but it only gets better from there in terms of heart-melting warmth. I am very lucky to have two boys and two girls, but I'm pointing this out because of how uneasy I felt about having boys, and because I know lots of other women have also felt this way.

Okay, onto business. My boys got back around 5. I was on deadline and a babysitter was here and I was trying to be welcoming to the boys, but I also had to get work done by 6. P has a massive, truly exceptional bruise on his forehead, from an encounter with my parents' driveway. I mean, I am no stranger to facial bruises, but this was disturbing even to me. It is blue with red polka dots. It looks like a gross flavor of candy, like "Blue Razzberry" or something.

As the children ran down the street waving to my mom as she pulled away, Hanes wiped out and skinned her knee. 45 minutes later on the same stretch chasing the babysitter's car, G skinned both knees, his hands and the tops of his feet. (!?) We experienced great sadness while I prepared a feast of pb&j, and then we headed to church.

By the time we entered the church parking lot, the children had fought bitterly about who was touching whom, whether the radio should be on or off, who should get to open the door, how to exit from the back seat, and who should close the door. I considered taking them back home, but the idea of 90 minutes away from my children was too tantalizing. I forced myself through the angry march through the parking lot, and deposited them neatly at their classrooms. They all go willingly now. (?!)

My class is a parenting class, taught by a couple whose children are grown. The advice is good, if only I could get one-on-one coaching to help me through my somewhat unusual four-in-four-years situation. I would love to parent more deliberately, but I don't have the time! Anyway, I came away with tons of notes and good things to think about, so I was able to focus on being a good mom during the drive home and its associated squabbles.

I've been wondering lately if parenting is a lot of acting. You cannot reveal your true self to your child, most of the time. I gotta have my game face on. I can't let them see that I am not really glad to see them when they walk in while I am working, and I can't let them see that I am distracted by my mood imbalances, or that I am physically here but mentally I'm like a kite floating above the house, with only the vaguest idea of what's going on at the bottom of my tether. There is a vacuum that sucks my mind toward the past, and it takes effort to swim against it and stay in the present. In order to think forward, plan ahead, Parent Purposefully (TM) (I'm totally trademarking that so don't even think about it.) -- I will have to become a much stronger swimmer.