Today I experienced pre-menstual dysphoria disorder, or what I would call PMDD if I were a doctor, which I am not. Nor am I a person who researches a medical condition before self-diagnosing. Nay, I diagnose myself based solely on my grasp of the English language. I am pre-menstrual, I was incredibly uncomfortable, and that automatically makes it a disorder.
Seriously, drug addicts? They are hard core. Today when I considered ripping my hair out of my head because it kept touching my face, and when I wanted to yank off my flip-flops and throw them because they felt weird on the soles of my feet, I thought of withdrawal symptoms like imagining you feel bugs crawling all over you. And I thought, "Kudos, drug addicts. You are stronger folk than I."
I have also diagnosed myself with some sort of hernia. I feel like my abdominal muscles are 90% paralyzed. I also look 90% pregnant. I am depressed. Maybe feeling like my c-section scar was tearing open whenever I sneezed for the last 5 years wasn't quite right. Maybe I am not supposed to look like I have a dorsal fin on my stomach. I know I'm not supposed to be buying stomach cinchers and "shapewear" at age 35, but here I am. And because the good Lord saw fit to give me hooters in size "Almost A," I can wear nothing to disguise my stomach fin. Thank you for that, Merciful Creator. I appreciate the opportunity to rise above trivial concerns, like shirts.
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Whatever. I just saw you a month ago. You look great.
ReplyDeleteLiz
You just hit on the only good thing about my outsize bustline - it gives the illusion of my having a waist.
ReplyDeleteI'm an almost a who is now an almost B--due to baby, but I'm sure I'll be back down to less than A afterwards. And...I have 2 scars that I freak out about. One, a 10" scar on my stomach from a cyst removed from my spleen in '98 and a 10" on my left hip from hip replacement 2 yrs ago. Plus, I just made a hair appt because it's driving me NUTS. And I worry the more pg I am...the greater the chance of baby ripping through my stomach (thru the scar tissue)--already dreamt that. Gross and unnecessary! Ugh. I feel your pain in many ways.
ReplyDelete-Valerie
I have been wearing "shapewear" for so long that I actually packed a girdle in my hospital overnight bag for when Leila was born. When I was too lazy to put one on the other day, my oldest immediately picked up on it and said, "I thought you said the swelling in your stomach was going to go down?" Then there is the bust issue, I haven't seen an A cup since I was 5, but, in my younger, dumber years I thought that my chest (okay, my breast) was an excellent place for a tattoo. Fast forward a decade or so and I'm afraid to even sleep without a bra on because I'm terrified of what gravity has in mind for that tat. I should also mention that I am so flipped out by gravity that that is the only spot on my body that I am currently applying expensive firmers to...and because they are expensive that means just to the side where my tat is. If in another ten years there is a noticeable difference in the two, maybe Origins will pay me to give testament to their products????
ReplyDeleteI love self-diagnosing.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap. I can always count on you for a good laugh. And it's funny, because it's soooooo my life.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit I do rely on my sagging abdominals to support my size Ds. The Girlfriends Guide stresses the need for girdles. She also uses that sweet euphemism, shape wear. I thought it was amusing after baby 2 but I find it mush less so after baby 3. since I need shape wear every thing has become less amusing.
ReplyDeleteXXOO Sarah
My name is Cristal. I'm 27. And I've been wearing bloody awful "shape wear" since 7:30 am this morning.
ReplyDeleteThere. I've said it. Yet the shame remains.
So here are my confessions: Carrying twins to 40 weeks has expanded my abdominal muscles into a state of permanent pregnancy. I sometimes think that I should get pregnant so that at least I'd have an excuse. I have fantasies about someone pulling together my ab muscles, stiching them into proper place and suctioning away all the excess "bulge". I grab my droopy stomach and pull it back so I can remember what I used to look like at least three times a day. I saw a picture of myself recently and I looked more pregnant in it (14 months POST twins) then when I was 5 months preggo with them. When I see young, skinny girls I secretly think "Oh yea, Wait till she's popped out a couple of babies"
It's really all quite sad.
I love my twins but damn, they owe me.
Yep, it's a twin thing. Right there with you. Now if only we could start a fundraiser/ non profit that gives free tummy tucks to multiples moms. We deserve it, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteOh, and that whole flip flop thing...I couldn't sleep the other night...the sheets were bugging me, feeling weird, PMDD... I'm totally w/ your diagnosis.
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