diagnosis: urine presents... 10 tips for surviving your children enjoying the snow

I love snow. Don't get me wrong. Snow combats the greyness that triggers my seasonal affective disorder.

Since it's snowy now in places that normally don't deal with this glory, this is a public service shout-out to all the parents out there who are considering suicide in light of having to dress their children for the weather multiple times per day.

The first year my twins were old enough to play outside in the snow with Miss A, I had a newborn. That was when I was first baptized in the fiery hell that is winter outerwear for toddlers. After the initial snowstorm, I dug through boxes and bins and closets until I assembled three sets of mostly appropriately sized snow armor. I stuffed fat arms into coats and sweaty fists into gloves. I talked my children through the challenging task of stepping into boots they can't see, over their puffy coats. One by one, I ushered these Boobah-like creatures out the front door. By the time I got Mr. Phe out, Miss A had lost a boot in a snow bank and was wobbling like a drunk flamingo, yelling for me to come help her.

Because I hadn't yet foraged for my own outerwear, in the interest of time I walked through 8 inches of snow in my socks and pajamas, then changed clothes when I got back inside to my screaming newborn. Sigh. Those were the days.

Here are some important tips to help you avoid eating your young during this labor-intensive season:

1. Assemble the gear. Early in the winter, long before the snow, assemble each child's snow gear.
2. No sharing. If you're me and have three children in the same size of everything, it can be tempting to grab three sets of gloves/mittens/boots/etc. and assume you're good. Do not do this. Assign a specific set to each child. 
3. Streamline. Your kid needs boots, snow pants, a coat, gloves, and a hat. Starting with anything more is a recipe for disaster. If you have a kid who gets cold really quickly after their first few trips out, reevaluate at that time. But do not start out hunting for scarves or wrist warmers or long underwear.
4. Sort. You need some storage method that groups each child's gear together. I have a mesh pocket system (meant for lockers) in the front closet, and each kid's hat and gloves go in their designated pocket. Snow pants and coats are on hangers or hooks, and boots are tossed on the closet floor because I'm not that organized.
5. Practice. Expect that the first trip out will be hellish. You have a group of insane excited children, and usually just one adult trying to wrestle them into their gear. Sometimes you put things on in the wrong order, which is frustrating. Sometimes there are tears, or swearing. But that first hellish event is your practice run, and allows you to fine-tune your dressing sequence. (Generally the best order is use the bathroom, snow pants, boots, coat, hat, mittens. Laugh now, but in the heat of battle and the excitement of children it gets hairy.)
6. Resign yourself. I'm telling you right now, it is very likely that by the time your last kid goes out, the first one will be done. This has happened to me more times than I can count. It is incredibly disappointing to a parent who has pushed through the pain of child-dressing only for the promise of a few minutes of peace. Prepare yourself for this devastation.
7. Prepare for the onslaught. Gather many towels and new sets of clothing. Your children will track snow farther into your house than you will be able to comprehend. Also, they will be wet and will possibly have peed themselves. A selection of appropriately placed towels makes all of this easier to deal with.
8. Stand your ground. When your child comes in, make it clear that they are done for the day, or at least  for a good part of the day. It will take you several hours to get up the nerve to attempt this again, and for their gear to dry. Note: You might have spare gear, but DO NOT give in to the temptation to get it out. Trust me. It messes up everything about points 2-5. 
9. Have faith. The next time will be better. They'll stay out longer. They won't fight. They might not have to poop within the first 10 minutes of being outside. These brief trips are laying the groundwork for cute things like sledding and snowmen and fort-building, which will come in time. And then, you'll get to sit in a quiet house and watch them through the windows! It is one of the purest pleasures of parenthood.
10. Make snacks. You'll probably want to thrash them when they come stumbling inside crying and wiping snot and snow all over the walls, so to make up for your inevitably chilly welcome, you should get a warm snack going. Hot chocolate, cookies, cinnamon toast, hot cider, or a nice pot of decaf should do the trick. 

Last year the kids were 6/4/4/2, and I enjoyed a few 20-minute stretches of peace while they were all playing outside happily together. I promise you, the effort is worth it. The restorative power of 20 quiet minutes in the house alone cannot be underestimated.