After my post last night, I read some random news links and found myself in the most massive and enduring panic attack I can remember, relating to 1999 and the unpleasantness. Holy crizap, y'all. News links are not good for me to read in an unaltered state of mind. Remind me of that.
I begged Jason to pick up cookies on his way home from work, and after cookies and some funny "Arrested Development" and going to sleep in a very tight hug, I feel much better this morning. It's raining and the rain sounds nice on the roof of my tiny office. My office is seriously tiny -- maybe 6x9? -- and has windows on three sides and built-in shelves and a door with lead glass panes leading into the living room, on the fourth side. It's very cozy, and it's very green out all of the windows, and I do love my life.
Yesterday I was aware that the degree of crappy I was feeling related to the boys' behavior was because of me not having much Effexor in my system... Feeling this bad is physically very, very uncomfortable, in my body and in my head. But I want to *try* to go off medication and see if I can just endure the bad-feeling times. If I can't, that's okay -- I am lucky that medication works for me, and works quickly.
Last night the boys apologized to me before bedtime (mostly because I threatened to make them sleep in different rooms). I told them how they made me feel like they don't care about me, and Griffin came and hugged me really tight, and Phe said, "But I DO care about you, or why would I hold the door for you??" Hee! He is a real little gentleman when he wants to be.
Oh! Last night in the midst of my panic attack I called a crisis center hotline and it was HILARIOUS and sometime when I'm not all bajiggety about it I'll blog to you about it. But also, someone called me back from the crisis center this morning and they offer free individual counseling!! I didn't realize that and I am really excited. There's a 4-5 week waiting period so I'll update you later on all that jazz.
Here's to the healing power of cookies, and to letting unpleasantness wash over me like a labor contraction until the pain recedes. Here's to being solid enough that the yuck can't wash me away.
Mommy Break
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When it comes to children and pets, I can be extremely patient, and I
confess to being rather proud of this trait. A lot of people tire of my
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what is behind wanting to give up the effexor? i would hang on to it like a blanket, til my kids move out.
ReplyDeleteall i'm sayin'...
So wait. You're going off meds AND hosted 11 children? Yes, cookies are very, very good.
ReplyDeleteI have been on-and-off meds more times than I can count since I was 17, now 35. I feel as if I can relate to you wanting to try to go "drug-free", I have those periods. Some work out better than others as I am sure you know:)
ReplyDeleteI am glad to read that you are giving it a try, but are also willing to "go back" if you need to. I think that will help other people see that while you can want it and try to get it, asking for help is okay.
Your honest about meds is so refreshing. Good Luck!
Emily
Yay for cookies! I am glad you're feeling better today :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are feeling better today, even though I hate what you have to deal with just to feel "comfortable". That totally sucks.
ReplyDeleteIf it's any help, allergy medication seems to be doing a mighty fine job of supressing my ability to care about anything. Not sure that helps you be drug free, but you may be able to use this tid-bit of knowledge for world domination at some point.
Can't wait to hear about that crisis line phone call...I do believe that writing is the BEST therapy.....
Effexor is supposed to help you, and it sounds like it's doing a good job. It's not like you are using hard liquor or street drugs to get you through the day. At least you've found something respectable that works for you and your family. It sounds like you went through a tremendously negative experience trying to go without the meds. Stay on it and feel good about yourself. Maybe try to wean off the meds after the kids go to college.
ReplyDelete