So, blogworld, in the midst of my total freakout over news links the other night, I called a crisis center hotline. You know what kind of crisis center hotline. I am okay now but I'm trying to keep this light and breezy. Light! and BREEZY!!!! Anyhoodle, it was an experience that reminded me a little of Sara's stressful massage, and I knew how well blogging about it worked out for her, so I thought I'd give it a go.
Disclaimer: I feel confident I will not get this girl fired, because she is undoubtedly a volunteer. So, worst-case scenario, she has to find someplace else to burn off her community service hours.
(Also, I already told on her.)
ME: ugh i feel so crappy i am going to call this hotline... i am sure it will be much better than when i called that hotline years ago... i am strong and confident... i am freaking out so much that i am using the telephone by choice...
HER: Hello this is the crisis center hotline.
ME: This is way too abrupt an opening. I need her to talk more first, warm me up, tell a few jokes maybe, and THEN-- Um, yeah, I, uh, am sort of freaking out, uh...
HER: Well I will try to help you. Tone of her voice indicates she thinks it is doubtful that she can help me. She also sounds 14, but not the 14 of today where they have giant boobs and look 27 -- the 14 of the late 80s, where they have flat chests and acne and braces and Trapper Keepers.
ME: Not feeling especially confident. Go into a really brief rundown of the history and the problem, namely, that I am freaking out and don't know how to unfreak myself.
HER: Do you have any activities you like to do?
ME: WTF??? I am pretty sure she is reading from a script! A script that she has possibly never looked at before! ...Um...?
HER: Are there any activities that distract you from how you're feeling?
ME: WTFF?? If I had a way to distract myself from how I'm feeling, would I be calling a total stranger for advice? No! I would be doing those activities! Which reminds me... ...Well, getting wasted distracts me from how I'm feeling, but I have four little kids so I was trying to avoid that...
HER: Oh. Well, do you have anyone you can talk to about this?
ME: Uhhhh, that's why I was calling you? ...No.
HER: Oh.
ME: If I had someone to talk to about this, would I be calling a total stranger??? Hells to the no!
HER: Well, you can always call this hotline and someone is always here to talk.
ME: OMG she's giving me the brush-off!!!! No freaking way is the crisis center hotline giving me the brush-off! This is unbelieveskable! Uh, okay, thanks...
HER: Sorry I couldn't help.
ME: That's okay. Why am I actually feeling sorry for this girl!?!? Bye.
HAAAA! I wasn't upset about this when it happened, except that I was freaking out so much I couldn't enjoy the awesomeness of what had just happened. But now I am getting more and more delight out of this experience. I think it helps that she sounded so young, so I don't feel as though I was rejected by one of my peers. Instead, I feel as though I was rejected by someone who had some serious txting 2 do n I wuz B-in a bzkill. Dude! Community service totally sucks!! They r ruining my Monday nite!
So. People. If you have a crisis, you should just email me. And I will give you my cell number. And then we can talk or text or whatevs. But whatever you do, DO NOT call the crisis hotline with any great expectations.
Maybe this is our mission, blogworld. Maybe we are meant to test drive the crisis hotlines in our cities, and provide feedback to management. Because wouldn't it be awful if you were fresh from a crisis, or if you were calling a suicide hotline with this girl as your last hope? Holy crap, that's a disturbing thought. Maybe suicide hotline workers are screened better.
ANYWAY. Now I feel much better and I'm glad I had this ridiculous experience, because I was able to share it with an actual worker from the crisis center who returned a message I had left. SUCK ON THAT, COMMUNITY SERVICE GIRL!
My email: jen.diagnosisurine@gmail.com
I am your 24 hour (ish) crisis hotline, whether your crisis is serious or just entertaining.
XOXO
Mommy Break
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When it comes to children and pets, I can be extremely patient, and I
confess to being rather proud of this trait. A lot of people tire of my
daughter M’s ...
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My current crisis, I had to have a wipe your own ass intervention with my husband tonight! MY HUSBAND! I found a little turd ball in the shower and was like... what is that? That's POOP! I know he's done this and has denied it as of late, but not tonight.. he likes to poop before his shower and then not wipe. I'd expect this from my kids, but not him!
ReplyDeleteI loved your crisis center log, although it would be terrible for someone who didn't have a cool blogworld to use as support. I made my husband pause his TiVo to read it to him.
Thank you so much for the laugh this morning. The blogworld is definitely great therapy! :) And I loved your description of the 80's 14-year old with her Trapperkeeper...that was ME! Bwahahaha!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I just read Jennifer's comment above, and almost had coffee come out my nose. THAT is why my hubby and I DO NOT share a bathroom. That is my secret for our 11-year marriage.
And finally, I'm glad to hear you worked through your freaking-outedness. :)
That post was AWESOME. Maybe the point is to make you feel better by laughing at the girl on the phone...because obviously you are, in many ways, better off than her.
ReplyDeleteway to freak out in humor. was it funny at the time? dude, trapper keepers were all the rage... i SOOO wanted braces so i could be a cool kid. damn.
ReplyDelete