it's almost like fishing turds out of the bathtub is my destiny

Again, or still, I have this post I have been meaning to write about the concept of servant leadership and how it relates to parenting and how I suck at both and whatnot, but everything I do has to be in a hurry right now! I even have to relax in a hurry!

I got a new contract gig or temp job or something. Merely doing the on-boarding paperwork for this job has been more work than I like to do in a week. I start tomorrow morning at 8:30. I am intimidated by having a set clock-in time. I am excited about the work because I've done it before and I'm good at it and I will be helping someone and it will be easy-peasy lemon squeezy. But I want to know exactly how my time will look in every week going forward from now until the year 2150, so I feel uncomfortable with anything new.

Also this job is going to be awesome because holy crap we need money, what with Christmas and taxes and debt and future homeschooling. But what I really want to be doing is cleaning cat fur off the floors and baking and building fires (in the fireplace) and volunteering at school and helping kids open their yogurts.

We went to church today and the sermon was about dreams (waking dreams) and pursuing them. I know what I'm good at: writing. I know what I want to do: take care of my kids and family. But I had to really think about what my dream is. And I was surprised when I realized that this is it. Not exactly as I've been doing it, but writing to other parents or caregivers and normalizing some of the feelings and experiences people don't talk much about, is what I would choose to do for fun. Encouraging other parents through the sucktastic times that are an important part of this nutritious child-rearing is something I feel called to do, and I feel like I'm doing a disservice to everyone if I act like everything about this is great or rewarding or feels worthwhile.

But even though I love writing to this specific audience and about this specific topic, I feel selfish doing it so I don't make it a priority. The pastor's point this morning was that if we can spread love by following our dreams, we should view them as something God has written on our hearts, and as something we are meant to do. It's an interesting new way to view a hobby.