Is it school? Is that why she's flipping out again? Because I only blogged 4x last December, I don't know what was going on then. But I do know we decided to pull her out in mid-January, so things can't have been too delightful.
I read some book about dealing with your explosive child. Blogworld, I have a reasonably high IQ, or I did back in elementary school when they tested that sort of thing. I have a college education, in English of all things. But this book was written over my head or actually it felt more like it was around my head. I could see it all going past me but I couldn't absorb most of it or apply it to my own life. The author gave some good strategies for dealing with explosions in progress, and for avoiding explosions that are predictable, but most of it felt like placating the child. The author's theory was that children do well and behave well when they are able to. I agree with that, or at least I do in theory, but when we're in the moment I feel:
1) like every bit of order in our lives (which is in short supply) depends on "what I say goes." So if I allow a 9 year old to scream me out of what I say, that doesn't bode well for the next 10-15 years, and
2) like it's very unfair to my obedient children if they obey even if they don't want to, then there is no consequence for disobeying, and in fact the disobedient child gets her own way anyhow.
I downloaded another book and maybe it will help more once I get to read it.
The author of the first book also said to keep a journal for a week, documenting every explosion and what sparked it. But half the time I have no idea and can't even identify what the hell happened, and neither can she. She lists imagined slights and the stated "cause" of her upset changes from moment to moment. She is entirely unable to take any responsibility for her actions/situation/reactions.
By now the other kids can identify that there is something wrong with her. Both boys, at different times today, asked me why couldn't we put her back in a play, because she was nicer when she was in the play. And that's awesomesauce and a better parent would get her in a play, pronto, but that's several hundred dollars and it kills any semblance of routine and is a logistical challenge since Jason isn't home in the evenings to do any of the driving. And while she did okay with the late practices over the summer and while doing online school, I don't know if it would work as well when she has a real school to attend all day.
So. Documentation:
- Big explosion tonight over ??? Not being allowed to kick her brother? When she calmed down some she started talking about people at school making fun of her (as she perceives it) and getting in trouble for talking when her seatmate is doing the chatting, but her teacher says her seatmate "isn't a talker" so only Miss A gets in trouble. That does sound like serious BS but the seatmate is my friend's daughter so I don't want to do anything that might upset my friend or seem like I'm trying to get her daughter into trouble... I don't actually care if Miss A gets in trouble for talking. I told Miss A that, but she is too worried about everyone else judging her for getting a card change.
Miss A doesn't freak out at school. Some of her teachers have seen her come in after being upset in the morning, and she's talked to them about her freak outs, but our families and friends and school community don't see this side of her. Which is great, because I don't have to worry much about her being loud when we're in public. (She's quietly nasty but won't tantrum.) But most everyone we talk to seems to think we're exaggerating "normal" 8- or 9-year-old girl behavior or just need to give more positive reinforcement. I wish this was just something we're exaggerating. Positive reinforcement doesn't make any difference -- she's going to behave how she's going to behave, sweet or nasty, and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. She's not as bad as she was 18 months ago, though. She hasn't broken anything but pencils, that I know of.
I'm so tired. And I guess I felt like after doing 4 kids in 4 years and twins and solo parenting and all of that, I was in for an easy stretch. I keep thinking I have no idea how parents who have kids with "real" problems or disabilities can manage this. Then I have this yucky realization that I might be getting ready to find out.
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I don't have any answers but if you find some please let me know because I think I have whatever Miss A has and it sucks. Being a certified (not technically) grownup I have managed so far to avoid flat out screaming fits and confine my extreme disquiet to: hiding in the bedroom crying, snapping at the kids, being horrible bitchy to their father, and just flat out leaving the house so I don't kill someone; but I really don't know how long I can hold out before I start throwing myself on the floor and breaking pencils.
ReplyDeleteI think it might have something to do with an untreated anxiety disorder combined with fiance's horrible ex-wife dragging us through court for months because she's incapable of putting anyone (including the kids) before herself. I'm pretty sure Miss A is not dealing with the latter problem but maybe the former is an issue? My anxiety- when it's not manifesting through, y'know- anxiety- seems to overflow into anger and depression. LIke I said, no answers here, but I'm thinking of you all and praying you get some answers and some peace before long.
I'm sorry. You seem to be going through such a rough time in your life. The great thing about getting a diagnosis is that there will be other parents going through the same things. Hopefully you will be able to find a community of people who understand what is happening in your family and can help you when needed.
ReplyDeleteI hate when people say "I understand" because each situation is different but I feel like I can relate. Our oldest is also very explosive and even though things have calmed down substantially since she started all day kinder the potential for it happening is always there. My maternal and paternal grandmothers both have a history of bipolar disorder and I am constantly haunted by the fear that it will pass on to her or one of my other kids. She has so many good days that I can usually push it out of my mind but then an off the charts meltdown will happen and the fear comes back. I hope you and Miss A get answers soon. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteNo answers, just hugs. If I had a dollar for every time someone said/implied that I was overreacting to normal teen behavior, I'd be able to afford my "normal" teen's therapist. I keep having to explain that I know teens, dozens of them including 2 more of my own, and this behavior is off the charts. Not normal. Not healthy. I'm still guessing some variant of borderline personality disorder is what you are dealing with. Although, who knows? Have you researched PANDAS? Lyme Disease (psychiatric effects of)? Food poisoning (same)? I'm thinking a hundred years from now, science will know what causes this behavior, just like we understand now that epilepsy is not demonic possession.
ReplyDeleteJust be confident in your own knowledge of your daughter. You know that there is no way to predict what sets her off and that it varies. You know that, while sometimes she exhibits a stunning lack of self-control, other times she seems perfectly able to behave normally (even in stressful situations). And you know that most of these books simply prescribe a variant of "walking on eggshells" in order to deal with her behavior.
Oh, sometimes support groups help, sometimes not. I swear, much as I have had every ounce of judgmentalism knocked out of me in the past 2 years, I've still wanted to grab other parents of similar teens by the neck and shake them. Really? You think that letting your messed-up, out-of-control teen drink in your house because at least then she isn't as unhappy is a good idea? Really? And you wonder why your husband has left you? Or, you think it's okay that your daughter is screaming at you, because she's expressing her feelings?
Oh, I could go on and on. Trust your common sense, find a therapist that knows better than to blame the parents, make sure to make friends with other people who have 4 or more kids so you have a good picture of what normal is for a large family (it increases your confidence level when you deal with therapists), and teach your other kids that your eldest is unhappy and that it has nothing to do with them. Or you. Or anyone. And do her the favor of having normal expectations for her. My favorite therapist (there are a few good ones) explained it this way: "When you have a child like this, it's like having a tilted picture on the wall and everyone ends up tilting their heads to make the picture look right. Family therapy is to help you stop tilting your heads."
Two major things.. This IS a real problem and it IS a real disability. Don't cheat yourself and your daughter by making this seem like less of an issue. As a mother of three special Needs kids, I know. You deserve that validation and frustration. She is going to be OK and so are you. Email me if you ever want to talk Jen. **HUGS**
ReplyDeleteOh Jen, I'm so sorry this is happening for you all. You have very good people giving great advice here though! I have to say that I identify with all of Miss A's behaviors from my own childhood. As an adult looking back I really wish my parents had gotten me professional help when I was young instead of me trying to figure out my mental illness in my thirties. The thing that is dangerous about not treating the problem when she's young is that the extra defense mechanisms she will develop to deal with everything will become an even bigger problem and it takes a long time of healing to figure out what is the seed of the anxiety/depression/anger. She needs lots and lots of pencils to break. Love you, Candi
ReplyDeleteFirstly, I would like the crazyblog link when it happens because (a) I don't know you in real life, and (b) Miss A sounds like a combination of my two oldest kids (which means neither of mine are as serious (yet) as what it sounds like with Miss A, so I'm not saying, "OH I KNOW").
ReplyDeleteBipolar, depression, and generalized anxiety run in my family (and me), so I'm pretty much guaranteed to have some percentage of my four children with one or more of these things. Good times.
With my daughter (7), school always used to look at us like we were crazy when we talked about her explosive melting fits. And then she got the teachers she has now. Boy howdy. Nobody is laughing now. (And it's not TERRIBLE, but she IS showing some of this at school now, and no one thinks we're insane talking about our sweet, quiet child like we do.)
My oldest son (10) doesn't talk about how the world would be better without him anymore, so we're on an upswing there!
I have several explosive children on my caseload and they have ALL been struggling the last week and a half. I guess it's the upcoming holiday? Hope things calm down soon.
ReplyDeleteFeeling you so much on this and I still have no idea how to handle my oldest and she is nearing 12! I am dreading her going off one of her meds for epilepsy since it is a mood stabilizer...I can only imagine how bad it will be when she is not "stabilized!"
ReplyDeleteWish I could help or offer guidance, but I spend 90% of my time dealing with her, talking to her, punishing her and consoling her when she finally gets how terrible she has been to everyone else, and the other four kids totally pay the price. It is hard and sad :(
Hi, Jen, thank you for your blog, which I have read with keen interest for a while now after coming across hdydi. I think you're a strong and funny writer and if you ever--and I hope you do--write a book, I will BUY IT NEW. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI think I felt/acted like Miss A when I had long, extended periods of post-partum depression after each of my pregnancies. I didn't act like that when I was her age (I was actually quite normal and eager to please), but I think that I was like Miss A during my PPD time. My thoughts and urges were extremely negative and very easy to trigger during my depression.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even know I had PPD until later, after my first pg and before my second, after I got normal again and could look back at that extremely sh%**y phase of my life. I felt bad about it, how sad it had been. The second time it happened, I knew something was wrong and I was very different, almost existing in an alternate universe, but I didn't know what to do to make it better, so I just survived until things magically improved on their own (and I quit breastfeeding, that helped a lot).
I do attribute my depression in large part to a complex/subtle (?) chemical imbalance in my body; I have major hormone problems and maybe autoimmune issues, the first signs (dandruff, I kid you not) started when I was about 7 or so. I think after each of my pregnancies, my body chemicals just went on the scariest roller coaster ride imaginable. Don't expect doctors to know that much about hormones and chemicals and such, but maybe the little bit they know can help with Miss A if you want to explore that.
I feel for you; you're surviving and doing a great job. Keep doing what you can. Good luck!