merry christmas, blogworld!

Wednesday, when I last wrote, was the last day of school. Miss A had a rough day.

When she is very worked up, and most of the time actually, it takes forever for her to fall asleep. She didn't get a lot of sleep Wednesday night, but Thursday she was wonderful. She played with the kids all day and hatched a scheme for all four of them to sleep in her closet on the floor. (?) And they did. And she ended up next to P, who apparently cannot sleep if he and G aren't facing each other, so she voluntarily slept curled up with him with their heads pressed together. This is huge, because she can't stand sharing a bed or sleeping on the floor, yet she slept smooshed up against P on the wood floor all night.

Friday, on very little sleep, she was good. Saturday she started to get a little sketchy. It took enormous amounts of effort and energy but I was able to keep her contained all day. But when she started freaking out just before we left for church Saturday evening, I was tired and didn't catch her in time. She had a series of mini freak outs over the rest of the evening, and after that I did okay managing her.

She couldn't fall asleep until nearly midnight. She woke up this morning at 4:50. We still had a very good day today.

So although her routine and eating habits and sleep schedule have been disrupted quite a bit by winter break, she's done a lot better at dealing with frustration. She went from multiple daily tantrums to fewer than one snit or upset per day. Again: is it school?

We talked about whether the stress of school and the pressure to keep it together pushes her past her tipping point. I think that makes a lot of sense. Right now, though, Jason is very opposed to the idea of homeschooling her or enrolling her in an online school. I'm hoping we can push through this year and reassess the situation over the summer.

We did a bunch of things in the last week that I want to write about. We went to the mall to see Santa (not awesome) and ate at a fancy restaurant (surprisingly awesome) and tried to see a movie (disaster) and ate at Olive Garden (success!). I realized that Miss A is hard pressed to deal with any situation where her expectations are not met. If she thinks she's going to put three candy canes in that gift bag and someone drops in a 4th, that pretty much shatters her worldview. I'm realizing that I need to start making decisions around her coping abilities. Being a bit like Miss A myself, I really like to sort things and coming to terms with whatever is up with her is a giant shuffling and I am pretty flustered trying to sort things out again in a way that makes sense.

won't you take me to / crazytown?

Blogworld, first item on our agenda is that I'm going to have to start a new blog about Miss A's mental issues. Because too many people I know in real life read this one and I feel like it's not fair to her for me to detail all of this here. Maybe it's not even the readers I already know, but the fear that other local people might find it and I don't do a very good job of concealing who we are. Anyway, if you have a kid who is bona fide crazy, hit me up and I'll let you know when I eventually get this other blog going.

Is it school? Is that why she's flipping out again? Because I only blogged 4x last December, I don't know what was going on then. But I do know we decided to pull her out in mid-January, so things can't have been too delightful.

I read some book about dealing with your explosive child. Blogworld, I have a reasonably high IQ, or I did back in elementary school when they tested that sort of thing. I have a college education, in English of all things. But this book was written over my head or actually it felt more like it was around my head. I could see it all going past me but I couldn't absorb most of it or apply it to my own life. The author gave some good strategies for dealing with explosions in progress, and for avoiding explosions that are predictable, but most of it felt like placating the child. The author's theory was that children do well and behave well when they are able to. I agree with that, or at least I do in theory, but when we're in the moment I feel:

1) like every bit of order in our lives (which is in short supply) depends on "what I say goes." So if I allow a 9 year old to scream me out of what I say, that doesn't bode well for the next 10-15 years, and

2) like it's very unfair to my obedient children if they obey even if they don't want to, then there is no consequence for disobeying, and in fact the disobedient child gets her own way anyhow.

I downloaded another book and maybe it will help more once I get to read it.

The author of the first book also said to keep a journal for a week, documenting every explosion and what sparked it. But half the time I have no idea and can't even identify what the hell happened, and neither can she. She lists imagined slights and the stated "cause" of her upset changes from moment to moment. She is entirely unable to take any responsibility for her actions/situation/reactions.

By now the other kids can identify that there is something wrong with her. Both boys, at different times today, asked me why couldn't we put her back in a play, because she was nicer when she was in the play. And that's awesomesauce and a better parent would get her in a play, pronto, but that's several hundred dollars and it kills any semblance of routine and is a logistical challenge since Jason isn't home in the evenings to do any of the driving. And while she did okay with the late practices over the summer and while doing online school, I don't know if it would work as well when she has a real school to attend all day.

So. Documentation:

• Big explosion tonight over ??? Not being allowed to kick her brother? When she calmed down some she started talking about people at school making fun of her (as she perceives it) and getting in trouble for talking when her seatmate is doing the chatting, but her teacher says her seatmate "isn't a talker" so only Miss A gets in trouble. That does sound like serious BS but the seatmate is my friend's daughter so I don't want to do anything that might upset my friend or seem like I'm trying to get her daughter into trouble... I don't actually care if Miss A gets in trouble for talking. I told Miss A that, but she is too worried about everyone else judging her for getting a card change.

Miss A doesn't freak out at school. Some of her teachers have seen her come in after being upset in the morning, and she's talked to them about her freak outs, but our families and friends and school community don't see this side of her. Which is great, because I don't have to worry much about her being loud when we're in public. (She's quietly nasty but won't tantrum.) But most everyone we talk to seems to think we're exaggerating "normal" 8- or 9-year-old girl behavior or just need to give more positive reinforcement. I wish this was just something we're exaggerating. Positive reinforcement doesn't make any difference -- she's going to behave how she's going to behave, sweet or nasty, and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. She's not as bad as she was 18 months ago, though. She hasn't broken anything but pencils, that I know of. 

I'm so tired. And I guess I felt like after doing 4 kids in 4 years and twins and solo parenting and all of that, I was in for an easy stretch. I keep thinking I have no idea how parents who have kids with "real" problems or disabilities can manage this. Then I have this yucky realization that I might be getting ready to find out. 

i feel like life is getting away from me.

If you're a long-term reader of my riveting blog, you might be thinking I haven't updated because I abandoned my December activities habit. In previous years I've usually given up by now. But this year I'm still going strong, mostly because the kids force me through it.

On the 5th, I made them write letters to Santa. They protested because they don't know what they want yet, but I insisted because Santa doesn't want to pay for expedited shipping. They asked for super-cute stuff like a stuffed Puss in Boots and a stuffed Rudolph, then they drew pictures for Santa and wrote notes professing their love for him.

On the 6th, Haney learned about St. Nicholas at preschool. And in fact, St. Nicholas visited the preschool and left candy in the children's shoes while they were on the carpet! She came home very excited about St. Nicholas, and upset that I hadn't told her to put her shoes out. This must be how Jewish people feel at Christmastime, except they don't also have a belief in Hanukkah Harry to uphold. It was a tricky situation. And also, I don't understand the lore of St. Nicholas. Is he Santa, giving a preview visit? Is he Santa's helper? Is he a separate guy who is very similar? Our exposure to St. Nicholas has been when studying him as a historical figure when I was attempting to homeschool Miss A during preschool, and I had elevated him to a higher status than just "Santa's helper," so I don't know how to work this. Catholics? Any help?

Anyway, Haney was in a tizzy telling the older kids about it. So, I said they should leave their shoes out and maybe he would come after all. The older kids asked if it would really be me, and I said yes, but then they seemed to forget that and got way into St. Nicholas and when he would arrive and how great he is.

Tonight we were going to decoupage wrapping paper onto styrofoam balls, and make ornaments. It was one of the worst craft fails I've ever had (because I don't do a lot of crafts). But before that, I got on the phone with my sister and when I got off and went to summon they kids, they were building Santa's workshop in the boys' room. They'd made construction paper elf hats for their animals and Haney, and they'd seated the animals at the train table and scotch-taped hammers to their paws. They'd harnessed three reindeer (I was a little surprised to realize we have three stuffed reindeer) with a tinsel garland and tied them to the boys' bunkbed. P had stuffed his shirt with a pillow and was wearing a Santa hat and fretting about how to make a beard.

Miss A is starting to lose her shit again more frequently, after a long period of calm. And I'm stressing about how G is really hard to know, in a way. And in everything I do I have the sense that things are getting away from me, which is so hard because I desperately want to control everything. I'm back to showering only every other day, and I have no excuse not to be showering daily! I can't even describe what's going on, except to say that time is whipping by and I am dizzy.

advent, a time to reflect on the therapy our children will need in the future

As you know, I celebrate Advent by dramatically over-reaching and planning a craft or activity with the kids each day.

On the 1st, I tore construction paper into strips and asked the kids to take turns naming people we care about, so we could pray for them or do something nice for them. It was a lovely thought. The kids were excited to show their love for the people they care about... like Rudolph, Blitzen and Comet, our cats, and Santa. They listed one grandmother, then got in a hurry and listed, "Grandmas, all except Nana" on another paper. Attention to detail, folks. It's what we teach here.

On the 2nd, I managed to find the Elf on the Shelf book and doll at Hallmark and broke that out. They were pants-pissingly excited. It was really cute... but has since backfired because they want to build shoebox houses and leave food offerings for the elf, so there are bits of bacon and toast and green apple Nerds in little containers all over the dining room floor.

On the 3rd, we had a holiday festival and parade and whatnot. The kids took turns being angry and bitter. The parade was followed by a spectacular fireworks display, shot off from the top of a 3-4 story building in our little downtown. It was awesome. I have a theory that our town's pyrotechnics manager (or whatever that job is called officially) was fired by a neighboring town, and replaced by someone he disliked. Then he was hired by our town, and since then every fireworks-worthy occasion has been part of his pissing contest with this neighboring town. It's only a theory, but I'm just saying, our fireworks displays are off the hizzy.

Today we made gingerbread cookies. Holy crap, everything is so stressful. They're all angry about someone else getting to crack the eggs or getting to lick the beater with the green tip. I hate that I'm so stressed out when we do stuff like this. I know it rubs off on them -- I can already see it in Miss A, how she has to control EVERYTHING all the time or she wigs out. And the worst part is that this is me doing well. I am on a medicine that helps a lot. I feel like I am at my baseline, like this is how I with my personality can function effectively. I'm not manic, I'm not depressed, I'm nice and normal. But I would love it if my personality included the ability to bake cookies with the kids without Lamaze breathing.

"In a catastrophic emergency, you're taking giant panicked breaths. Suddenly you become euphoric, docile. You accept your fate. It's all right here. Emergency water landing - 600 miles an hour. Blank faces, calm as Hindu cows." -- Fight Club 

Unfortunately Lamaze breathing is not enough to bring me to euphoria or acceptance. However,the parallels between gingerbread cookie-baking and a plane crash are uncanny.