I haven't started my crazytown blog yet but I will share this
Ah, the glorious parenting we'd do if life were one long best-case scenario! I can control my blood sugar and my poor forsaken bladder. I can try my best to get the 7.5 hours of sleep I need to parent like the wind. I can stalk Miss A around the house, attending closely to her every gesture, inflection, and breath. And if I do all of these things, I can catch the warning signs of a meltdown before we reach the point of no return.
And if she was an only child and I didn't have to work and she was homeschooled, I would be all over that.
So far I have found ways I can deal with meltdowns in progress, and ways I can stop them quickly and quietly, but I haven't found anyone giving advice about how to teach her to deal with frustration/disappointment/being too hot/hungry/uncomfortable. Anyone? Bueller? Will she eventually just develop this skill without intervention?
The one book I read likened her problem to a learning disability, except rather than in an academic area it is in the area of appropriately dealing with frustration. I am trying to think of it the same way I think of the boys' speech issues, which are apparently not delays or disabilities but are definitely not going well. However, the boys' speech *issues* are really pretty cute and do not cause them to lash out violently. Otherwise, though, I have the same feeling of all professionals being on one side of a wall and me and my kids being on the other. The professionals do not understand my questions so they give me answers to other questions, ones I'm not asking. And I don't understand their answers or if/how they pertain to my questions, so we're stuck in this eternal, circular, increasingly frustrating dialogue that's really just unrelated strings of words called back and forth at random.
But that's about to change, y'all. One of my New Year's resolutions, made while I was a bit tipsy, was "to MacGyver the New Year." If that means I have to take an apple, a paper clip, and a bottle of Scrubbing Bubbles to my meetings with speech clinicians and pediatricians, so be it. I will set those things out on the table and they will see I mean business. I will wear a t-shirt that says, "I AM SAM" to remind them to dumb it down. And if they try to rush me out of the office, which they always do because I always still have more questions because I never understand, I will brandish my Scrubbing Bubbles and they'll know: this is the year of the
MacGyver Mother!
*I'm playing fast and loose with this term and it should not be assumed that Mrs. L. Elizabeth Krueger would allow her children to play with mine under any circumstance.
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Jen, I have to tell you that you are an inspiration for me. When I read your blog and you so very honestly share your challenges with Miss A and the boys, well, just being a mom, it gives me a moment of not feeling alone. My daughter, Gracie, has moments when she absolutely loses it and it takes creativity on my part to distract her and get her to calm down. At one point, you posted about Miss A giving herself a time out. We started telling Gracie that: If you feel frustrated with Mommy or Daddy or your brother, instead of getting mad and hitting or kicking, just find a quiet place and give yourself time to calm down. We are in the early stages, but it is making a difference for her. I credit you with giving me the idea and I thank you for it. Good luck, MacGyver Mom!
ReplyDeleteYou rock, MacGyver Mother. Show those professionals who's boss and strike a blow for frustrated parents everywhere!
ReplyDeleteAlso- I just skimmed it but that tomato/kids website creeps me the hell out.
ReplyDeleteI speaking here as a mom of a special needs child (now grown) and a special ed teacher. Your Miss A will probably not learn how to handle her emotions on her own. It sounds as if she will need to have specific instuction in how to handle her emotions and her behavior. In my experience, if kids don't have these skills they just don't magically appear--just like reading and math skills don't develop without instruction. Your school social worker can help with this, but quite honestly, they are usually have a bazillion kids on their case load and you have quite a good chance of getting lost in the crowd. If you have insurance, a private cognitive behavioral therapist would probably be a great help.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you can have an advocate with you at any meeting you attend at school. This can be a good friend or it can be a professional advocate. Sometimes it helps to have someone with less emotional involvement in the meeting with you. It also helps to tell your team that you are not understanding something and that you are not sure how to navigate the system.
It sounds that you have had your difficulties communicating with your team; isn't there one person in the school who you feel that you can talk to? If so, go to that person and ask for help. The people who work there went into helping careers for a reason and really aren't, in my experience, out to prove that you are a bad mom or to ignore and give poor services to you kids. The key is to be assertive without being aggressive.
It is very difficult to deal with a child with behavior issues. I hope that the new year brings new insights for you and your daughter.