my skill at macgyvering has rubbed off on my children

A few weeks ago my poor G had a bad sore where he'd bitten the inside of his lip, and continued to bite it. I have a lot of sympathy for people with canker sores or whatever one would call this type of wound, because OH MY GOSH it hurts so much. So if you ever have a canker sore and everyone else is like, "Yeah? That's sad for you. Now shut up about it," then you can feel free to email me and I promise I will feel very sorry for you. They're awful.

Anyway, one morning I asked G if he'd brushed his teeth yet, and he said no, his mouth hurt too much. I expressed my sincere sympathies, but said he still needed to brush. He burst into tears and wailed, "Can't you just give me some gum instead? It's the same thing!"

At the time, Jason and I told him it was not quite the same thing, and we had a good laugh. Jason and I, that is. G went to the bathroom and cried while the acid toothpaste ate away at the exposed nerve endings in his cheek. But since then, I've been led to reconsider G's theory.

First off, I've been surrounded by minty candies for the last 6 weeks. Candy canes, those weird sticky candies with a Christmas tree shape in the middle... Maybe that's about it but it feels like a lot of minty candies.

Second, we've been traveling. There is always a significant lag between when we return home from a trip, and when we find our toothbrushes again. I think it has to do with the toothbrushes being the last things left out when we're getting ready on the last morning of our visit... or maybe it has to do with the fact that things are always ridiculously disordered on our family visits. Everyone's sleeping in crazy places, there's a ridiculous number of kids running around, people are peeing their pants left and right (that's me) and if I happen to see one of my kids at the same time as the bathroom is open and I know where that kid's toothbrush is, it is a chilly day in hell.

Third, the holidays and school vacation combined with Haney being "Star Student" on the first day back, led to a perfect storm of disorganization. The Star Student is responsible for bringing a healthy, pre-packaged snack and drink, along with any plates, napkins and cups necessary, for the entire class. Such a racket. Anyway, I'd noted Haney's Star Student status on my calendar, but forgot about getting snacks. Jason remembered at 12:10, and preschool starts at 12:30.

At 12:10, Haney was dressed, eating her balanced lunch of Ruffles and French onion dip, Doritos, and Papa John's breadsticks with garlic butter dipping sauce. When you capitalize that many words in a menu description, you'd better be speaking German or hiring a dietitian ASAP. Let's pretend I was speaking German. Anyway, her hair was not brushed, and by "not brushed" I mean it was doing that insane thing kid hair does in the back where it stands straight out and up and has kinks in odd places and is perfectly straight in others. No amount of brushing will help that, unless you douse the kid's head with water or detangler and even then, you can't fully comb the oddly placed kinks out.

Also not brushed: her teeth. And I try to take extra care to make her brush, because 1) she talks so quietly that you have to get up in her face to hear her, and 2) her steady diet of Doritos, French onion dip, and garlic butter dipping sauce means that her breath could be used as a malodorant weapon. I told her she needed to run up and brush her teeth, but Jason said it would have to wait! They were already running too late! Jason's timely arrival at work depends on Haney being dropped off at school on time.

We remembered that I had a couple of the mint chocolate things they give you at Olive Garden when you pay your bill. I dug them out of my purse, and we fed them to Haney as they ran out the door to purchase a healthy, pre-packaged snack for 24. I don't imagine they made a dent in Haney's demonic breath, but I felt better.

And now I have a use for the 97 candy canes in assorted sizes that I accrued over the Christmas season. I'm loading them into the glove compartment of my minivan, for occasions just like today. I laugh heartily at the weird pre-loaded single-use toothbrushes [mean] people give out at Halloween. Ha! Ha ha! Candy canes allow me the same-ish fresh breath, without cluttering up our landfills with non-biodegradable toothbrushes. I really try to do all I can to protect the environment, and this is but a small sacrifice.